I opened my chest and found a great empty space.
and found it devoid of gods heavenly grace.
nothing to burn and nothing to save
everything covered in a black single wave.
there is nothing inside
perhaps they lied
soulless and deceived
Love is a triangle that leaves everyone wanting.It pulls at your guts and tears at your heart.A truly vicious beast is Love. What if you
find yourself crying in the night deep in to your pillow, or if your chest
feels ripe to explode, or if the emotions and passions blur your logic to
blindness? Then this mighty beast may stalk your soul.Loveís wiles will send you over a cliff
happily.Loveís cunning will cause you
pain you have only dreamt of.Loveís ever
present yearning will show you torments even the devil cringes at.
One of Loveís most potent weapons
is if the beast is not on your trail you will lay awake at night looking for
any sign that the beast had your scent.So even if you fear this beast you will seek it out, leave it crumbs,
bleed for it just to be hunted.I know
if this creature actually kills or not, because it plays with prey like a
cat.When you think you are caught and
doomed that is when it lets you go.It
only attacks when you are not looking for it and when it does hit; it puts a
freight train to shame.
So why do people love?What better creature to hunt than that
fearsome and elusive creature, Love?None says I.To have this love as
a trophy would make all around you green with envy like an early spring.So to my certain doom, I hunt this beast while
it hunts me, as a dog chasing its tail I seek that beast within myself.Though not for making a leafy populace, but
for the chance to know that I have nothing to fear, because I am the master of
love and not mastered by it. For me to break those passionate chains and use them
to my own aims.If I could do that it
would calm my tormented nights, slow this galloping heart and clear these eyes
of tears and passions steam.Even then I
know I will not have peace, but I donít seek peace, I have other prey.
Oddly enough the want to write is stronger than I thought today. I guess the abitlity to force yourself to do something that you don't always want to do is a good thing. But much better is when that thing becomes something you want to do. I even draw comfort from it. I used to write quite a bit more often, but now I am starting into the swing again. I miss just writing and seeing my past given form. Sometimes the form it takes is ugly or harsh but still it gives me perspective. Wheather it is someones shoes, skin or side, Perspective is very important. Here is to understanding our own perspective even if it is from the past.
Habits are something strange to me. Some action or way of approaching your day that comforts you. Habits can be good, and they can be bad. I try to think of mine and classify them. Like a wild animal in the jungle I stalk my habits and with binoculars and notepad I set to giving them classification and name. Some of my habits are more lifestyle now than anything else. But same as in nature I find some of my habits have evolved. Flying, gills, fat stores. None of those really fit on my habits. But I must admit they do seem almost alive to me a times. Like they have life of there own. The greatest of the beast-habits is mine to avoid looking at what must be done by doing something easier. Play the game, hang out with friends, ignore the present. Don't hurt others with your words now but hurt them more later by not telling them what will hurt them now but save them pain later. I am a creature of complacency at times, and the Man in me dispises what I do. Why wait, if time is finite why would I wait to do anything that could fix things, make things better, or just plain be right. Yet I do. The animal-habit stalks into my tent in the night and whispers it's goals to me and what I must do, then changes my classification and information. And when I awake I am once again appeased. No need to see the harsh truth when there is a shiney distraction. To many shiney things I suppose. I guess that is why yogi's and hermits remove the temptation completely. That is not my path. I will live with the temptation but overcome. They say knowing is half the battle. They never told you that is the easier half. Regardless, may we all fight on against that within ourselves that makes us unhappy, even if the ironic truth is that what we fight does give us some small happiness.
Well over a year has passed and again I seek the person I was. I come back to see the younger me and paruse the thoughts I put down. He is a stranger to me. Odd to look into a mirror of sorts and not know the man in front of me. I have changed in so many ways yet so much is still there. Like a brother to myself, looks the same but wholly different. I still seek a person to share things with.... But now I fail to search in those same place. The bridges of the past are fallen. The planks of the bridge twist and seem to wave as they fall into that great abyss. That path is gone to me. Weather this the a path that is less traveled or not makes no difference, this path is my own. In unfamilar territory that happens to be where I started, I walk into the sun blinded by thoughts and hopes. Home, it seems to be a place that is comforting, but once left cannot be returned to with the same comfort. Home. I suppose I must make my own now. But where and with whom. That is the rays of sunlight that blind me. Future that I cannot touch yet. Seen but not held. Once, I blamed the problems of the world on others. They were the enemy. But I looked into the mirror and saw the true culprit. All things in my life are affected by me. I feared. I hesitated. I ran. I lied. and now I must make amends. I must have courage, take action, stand my ground, and find the truth. Like a man climbing spires without a rope, I move forward and tell myself don't look down, don't look back. Forward is the only path. I just don't know if ignoring the fall makes it go away.
Sometimes I fill my blog with only the negative things when they are suffocating me under the pillow of futility. But not today. Today gets to have some of the good things. The last few days have been pretty good. We got pretty low for a little while. Almost to the point I walked away. As always though she showed me her undying loyalty and loving devotion. She is really is a great catch. I know that this is kind of a big change but I am Gemini and allowed. Seriously though. I suppose I was only looking at the negative and difficult parts of our relationship. I also was blaming her and looking for her to change more than myself. I know that there will still be kinks I know there will still be difficulties, still I have hope again. She was the one who helped me find it again. What better reason to try again and continue to love someone than someone who takes that unbearable load onto their own shoulders so you can have a rest. I only hope that I can do the same for her. I am sitting here while she is sleeping in the next room. She has been more beautiful to me than I remembered her. That may sound odd but it is something that happens when I let myself just see into a person. She is my baby. The girl inside is so precious and wonderful. This beauty that speaks for itself is not just silent but at the core the personality is sweet and kind. She has just been hurt and the strength that pulled her through adversities makes her defensive. I just need to remake that trust and allow us to heal together. I am such an independant person that it is very difficult. Thus I am writing this down. To remind myself to trust and to lean on her. Don't judge so harshly. Forgive the little things and don't let them compound into big things. Remember the good times. Cuddling on the couch. Massaging out the stress of her day. Petting the dog together. Joking in the car. Smelling her hair as she sleep curled tightly in my arms. Waking up to a welcoming squeeze. Letting her cook for me. Listening to her short loving message during work. Listening to that sweet loving voice and those gorgious brown eyes look so deeply into mine. Remember to let her in. Don't force yourself to be lonly working alone, she will be there for you if you let her. Just trust......
Almost like I am trying to write often.... yea that is it actually. I don't really know the perpose other than to write out my emotions so they don't eat me alive. The teeth are getting a little duller and shorter on my emotions since I started writing and I think perhaps one day I might just progress till I can have the little devils as pets or some kind of psudo control.
Yea, we argued again. Something stupid again that I can't stand that she does. She doesn't trust. I didn't break her. Why do i pay the price for the shit the some other guy dealt her. This is a whole different game entirely. The cards I dealt her a not perfect but much more playable. I think that life has a way of making us pay for others mistakes and only if we are responsible will we pay for our own and try to make amends so others don't have to. I guess that is something to think about love being. Being willing to pay for the mistakes and misdeeds of others to put back together the broken and flawed parts of the object of your love. I just wish I had more glue that stuck to her and less to my fingers. I feel like all I am doing is prying out the sore spots and sticking them to my clumsy fingers. Like a child that you can't tell if they are doing art or if the art is starting to do them. A child that wants to make something to make people notice that he exists..... To be loved and told he is loved.... Affection is a simple thing but usually not given for what you think... What if I am not supposed to fix the problems. I know that it is for her to do and I can only help her if she wants me to. Still I wish I met her before him. I wish I met her before life started to look like dispair to her. But I suppose I never would have met her if the horrible things hadn't happened. I always fall for the broken ones.... I see something familiar.....
I know that learning to move within the flow of the powers around us is the way to make ground and reach our goals. I still have difficulty finding out what my goals should be. I am trying again with her. Sometimes I wonder what it is in me that lets go of all the stimulus that shows me that I should go and keeps me trying. My heart breaks to hear the sound of her crying when I told her my thoughts. My soul was torn asunder as I heard her wracking sobs. I am not the man I thought I was. I am not the good man who acts like a gentleman and does what is right. I am that man I hated. The man I thought I would never be. You know the type the one that makes the girl cry and you tell yourself that if it was me I wouldn't make her cry I would make her feel like the beautiful wonderful person that she is. But no I am the one who makes her cry. Why does she cry do you ask? Because I don't know if I have the strength to stay. I don't know if I can be what she need. I am afraid of failure more than the possiblility of success. When it comes to love I have become a mouse and cannot do what I feel is important. A mouse amoung lions is well hidden but doomed should he be discovered. I wish with my wiskers twitching I could be a lion again. I wish the confidence that comes from being large regal and strong would again fill my mind. Perhaps I am just doomed to cheese, but then again I might rise to be truely confident as a mouse that may one day walk with the lions as he is and have no fear because his is true love....
I have been gone for a while. It is funny that I have
been gone from writing to myself. Still I suppose that I must try to get
to know myself again. Though it is odd that I don't get to know myself
until months later when I read what I had to say and by then it is only a door
to who I was and not to who I am. The image of a spectacled old man
looking back through the portal bordered with words carved with his own blood,
sweat, and tears and seeing a younger man carving those very words into the
frame of a mirror.This place that I
find myself in now is not what I thought it would be.I find myself is a failing relationship that
I struggle to hold on to for reasons that I am starting to forget.Love is something that is not such a priority
now that I have it and I seem to have difficulty cultivating it into the
beautiful flower that my younger self dreamed of.They told me relationships were hard.I suppose that I just never really listened
to what they were saying.I thought that
relationships were not constant bickering and wounding of those you love.I feel that whatever is within me is broken
towards loving.Like this oversized
heart of mine is just a bit of irony that shows the weakness of the man.I lay awake at night wondering if my choices
are correct whether she is the one or if I am just to stubborn to let her go
and be truly happy.It is as if I am the
cancer holding her near to deaths door and I donít understand myself enough to
realize that it is best that I hurt her by cutting myself away and finding my
own way.I suppose that analogy is kind
of disgusting makes me seem like some mutant man.Still the analogy though a little on the self
hatred imagery side serves the purpose of how I feel like I am the problem and
not the cure.I think like this so often
but, whenever I talk to her I am so hopeful that it can work till one of us
says something harsh and like a weeping boil brings up all the nasty parts of
our past.I just want to forgive and
forget.Maybe I just want to
forget.She does help me and push me to
by goals even if her view of them is a little off.Sometimes she is able to be the strength that
I need to push forward again.Like a
mossy river stones sometimes to can place the pole on the rock and push further
up stream but others you have no purchase when you expect to have it and you
just founder in the water and go back the way you came.I donít want my boat to swirl back the way I
came on the river of life.Still I donít
know is it my misplaced pole strokes that are the problem and not the slippery
yet beautiful moss on the river stones?I only see the fact that I am backsliding and becoming something that I
am not proud of.I feel that I am not
making any ground and that in my current position that it will only continue
until I am well and truly lost.So, now
I must decide do I turn the boat around and seek the currents strength or do I
wish to take the harder road and push against that current and make use of the
slippery stones?The imagery does help
me to place things into perspective though I still have no decision.She is everything I could ever want, the
problem is she has those things that I donít want as well.It is not my right to change her and I seem
to not have the strength to change myself.So the river keeps pulling and my indecisive ways waste both my time and
hers.Still it is nice to have a rest
and let the powers that be guide the wayÖ..